HADOUKEN

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

A man goes into a sex shop. "I'd like an inflatable sex doll, please."
"Certainly, sir. Male or female?"
"Female, please."
"Black or white?"
"White, please."
"What religion - Christian or Muslim?"
The man was confused. "Why does religion matter?"
"Well, sir," said the shopkeeper, "the Muslim one blows herself up."

that's fucking terrible!

Dirty Grandma !

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father"

hahahaha I do like that one

a boy runs up to his dad and asks, "whats the difference between potentially and realistically?"

the dad thinks for a second and asks his son to follow him,

they walk up to the boys mum and the dad asks, "would you sleep with Brad Pitt for £1million"

"of course!" replies mum,

they walk up to the boys elder sister and the dad asks, "would you sleep with Brad Pitt for £1million"

"Good god yes!!" replies the sister.

they walk up to his elder brother and the dad asks "would you sleep with Brad Pitt for £1million"

the brother thinks about it for a few seconds "...yeh, i would for a mill"

the dad turns his youngest son "now do you understand"

"no"

"potentially, we're looking at £3million, realistically were living with 2 whores and a puff"

THE NAGGER

HILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one
of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40
acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The
lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I
ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes,
I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer
said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30 .'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The
lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little
white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a
dayvorce.'

a police officer pulls a car over for not stopping at a stop sign.

the lawyer was was driving the car was sure he could out smart the cop and get out of the ticket, he was well educated and this was just a traffic cop, no match for him.

"licence and registration please"

"why, what did i do wrong?"

"you failed to stop at a stop sign, licence and registration please"

"i slowed right down and it was clear"

"its a stop sign so you have to stop, licence and registration please"

"if you can show me any legal difference between slowing down and stopping then i'll accept the ticket, if not then you have to let me off"

the officer thinks for a few seconds "alright, you've got a deal, step out of the vehicle please"

as the man gets out of the car the officer takes out his baton and starts beating the man into a bloody pulp

"now then, would you like me to stop? or just slow down?"

daddy calls home,

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all! I think she's dead."

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead, too."




***Long Pause***



















***Longer Pause***




























***Even Longer Pause***





















Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . . Is this 486-5731?"

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ..... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.